Fake ID's

Dear Sir,
This is just a short note to thank you for your swiftness in supplying the goods I ordered yesterday.
However, I must point out that I'm not entirely happy with your choice of IDs. You will agree that "John Wine", "Gregory Peckory" and "Tom Honks" (not to mention "Father Theresa of Calcutta") are hardly credible identities and, therefore, quite unusable.
Worst of all, though, was "William Jefferson Clitton". It's outlandish, upstartish and underdeskish. Furthermore, the only time I produced the Clitton AMEX card - at a posh downtown restaurant - the waitress immediately fell on her knees, crawled under the table and started to fumble with my fly. I tried to kick her off, but that only seemed to spur her enthusiasm. Well, she had my, er, thingamadoodle half way out already, so I kicked again, real hard this time, aiming low. Wrong move, I'm afraid: my shoe got stuck in her, er, whatchamacallit (she was not a virgin, you see) and then she really went into a crazed frenzy with peter pecker down there, who was by then getting perfectly integrated in the spirit of the proceedings. Suddenly, she let out a horrifying scream, got up - overturning the table - and made to jump me. Out of sheer preservation instinct, I ducked. She flew over me and, well, landed with a big splash in the artificial lake behind the plastic bush behind the place where I was sitting, taking my shoe with her. I noticed that some heads were beginning to turn our way, so I took my leave and, well, left, discretely, albeit somewhat self-conscious, on account of the fact that I was limping.
Anyway, I'll spare you the rest of the story. Probably, like myself, you heard about it on the news - what with all the unspeakable things that crazy creature did with the fish and later with the meatloaf and the suck(l)ing pig!
Rather embarrassing, I dare say.
So, please find enclosed all five IDs, which I'm sending back under your money back warranty. I will, of course expect you to fully refund me with the USD 99.75 I sent you before.
Best regards,

Leonardo Di Vachio